A Prayer....
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Did I read that Sign Correctly?
Did I Read That Sign Correctly?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Proofreading is a dying art,wouldn't you say?
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and calledthe Editorial Room and asked who wrote this . It took two or three readings before the editor realizedthat what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny .
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
----------------------------------------------------Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
The Substitute Organist
Ain't it the Truth
1. The nicest thing about the future is .. . .. that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . . There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind .. . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . but it's still a gift.
Last in Line
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they come to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to give each one wish before they enter heaven.,
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish
is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the
line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
So, the next time you are last in line...smile.
TTwo 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'
'Who is it', asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Betty -- it's me, Bertha.'
'You're not Bertha. Bertha just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha,' insisted the voice.
'Bertha! Where are you?'
'In heaven,' replied Bertha. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Betty.
The good news,' Bertha said, 'is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
That's fantastic,' said Betty. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Dear God,
My prayer for 2013 is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Did you hear the one...?
"What is the one thing you never hear in the Dollar Store?"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was not much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says," I'll serve ya, but don't start anything."
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you?"
(Send in your jokes to Weaver.)
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.
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Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
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Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
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Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. 
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, " Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You Look terrible?"
"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."
Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You did not have that before."
Pirate, "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
Bratender, "Well ok, but what about the hook? What happened to your hand?"
Pirate, "We were in another battle. I boarded the ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm really fine."
Bartender, "What about that eyepatch?"
Pirate, " Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
Bartender, "You're kidding! You lost an eye from bird poop?"
Pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."
ARGH
